I have just returned from a 10 day break in the South of sunny Tenerife, Torviscas to be precise.
My wife and I were there to celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary and our sons and daughters had organised and paid for
the suprise holiday for us to celebrate this momentous occasion.

A wonderful gesture from our family that we really appreciated being on a tight budget as Pensioners.

We stayed at a beautiful luxury resort called “Orlando”, just a 2 minute stroll from your restaurant on the main
Torviscas road.

Our 50th wedding anniversary was Tuesday the 27th July and because of the special occasion I decided to suprise my 79 yrs young, wonderful wife and book a table for two at your world famous restaurant, “money no object, she desereves it”,I thought.

I visited your restaurant the day before our anniversary in order to communicate my special requests and make the
neccesary arrangements,(delivery of the bouquet of flowers, select the wine and champagne and most importantly of all speak directly with the front of house staff in order to guarantee a well located table.

Your manager Mr Paco was unavailable at 10.00 hrs when I initially visited your establishment and I was asked by your waitress Charlene that I return at mid day when she was confident that Mr Paco would be able to attend to my requests.

Upon my return at mid day Charlene informed me that Mr Paco was not available due to a “heavy night on the Gin, Charlie and Brasses”. (A drink I have never heard of before).
She assured me that Paco would give my requests special attention and looked forward to meeting with my wife and I the following evening.

Charlene offered me a free pint of “Sex on the beach” cocktail which I declined.
I detailed my requests for our very special evening which Charlene wrote down and then she requested a 200 Euros
“booking fee” which I duly paid in cash.

My wife and I attended your restaurant as arranged at precisely 19.00 hrs Tuesday, 27th July and were greeted by
your head waiter “Kipper” was the name on his badge.(He also had a large 7″scab on his forearm which was weeping puss.)
Apparently he had fell off his moped on the way home from work the previous evening, “Pissed as a rat” he informed us.
He told me that there was no record of our booking and that Charlene was not available to speak to as she had
been sick with “a bad bout of the wild shites” most probably due to drinking neat vodka out of her negro boyfriends
shoe the previous evening, apparently this is her regular party piece at the end of the evening in your restaurant.
I must say that my wife and I were very suprised to say the least at the choice language being used by your staff but not wanting to spoil our evening we integrated with the local culture and assumed this was part of the “Gordon Ramsay Experience”.(You, yourself having the notorious reputation for a foul mouth.)

We were shown to our table by Kipper who kindly brought us our complimentary 2 “Red Hole Knockbacks” which Kipper explained to us in his thick Middlesborough accent would become name apparent the following morning.(The mind boggles!).

What followed can only be described as truly unbelievable.

Please find directly below a copy of the order that I placed with Charlene the previous day:

Canapés
Gazpacho with buffalo mozzarella, avocado purée and Virgin Mary sorbet
Crispy Pata Negra ham, poached pheasant eggs with chick pea chips and red pepper sauce
Ravioli of Scottish lobster, salmon and crayfish with lemongrass and coconut bisque
Braised halibut with a tarragon scallop mousse, pea, broad bean and lettuce fricassée
Assiette of lamb, seasonal vegetables, truffle pomme purée and lamb jus

Selection of British and French cheeses
Apricot cream, fromage frais with apricot coulis and cinnamon biscuit tortoni
Hot Valrhona chocolate fondant with mint ice cream and raspberry salad
Coffee, infusions and chocolates.

We received somewhat sporadically:

Prawn cocktail in a lipstick smeared, half pint beer glass with a sachet of Heinze Ketchup and warm prawns.(Obviously straight from freezer to microwave.)

Sausage roll, chips, beans and brown sauce,(genuine, imported HP we were reliably informed by Mr Kipper.)

Spotted dick dessert with pink custard.

Mr Kipper really excelled himself here when he brought it the table and said”Here ya go my loves, get ya gums around this!”

He then said to my wife,
“I bet youve had enough spotted dick in your time to make a handrail around the QE2.”

That was the final straw, I asked for the bill and demanded to see the manager.

It took several phone calls from your staff to drag Mr Paco from the bar next door,he arrived,smelling heavily of sex,
very dishevelled and unshaven, he kept sniffing all the time and apologised saying, “I gotta change my dealer”.

I explained my complaints to him and he requested a copy of our bill from Mr Kipper which amounted to 22Euros 75 Cents.

Mr Paco offered to reduce the bill by 10% as compensation for our bad experience.

I informed Mr Paco that I had paid Charlene a 200 Euros cash “Booking Fee” the day previous and it was then that
Mr Paco broke into an uncontrolable tirade of abusive language.

He described Charlene as a “Negro loving crack whore whose gussett of her knickers was like a Samsonite suitcase handle and that she had indeed had her back door kicked off its hinges more times than Boy George” and that he regretted ever getting engaged to her.”

My wife and I were then called “a pair of “Typical freeloading English scumbags”.

He demanded payment of our bill which I felt intimidated enough to pay in full.

As my wife and I departed I told Mr Paco that we would be lodging a complaint with you personally once we returned
to the UK.

He retorted “Do you really think Gordon Ramsay gives a flying fuck about you piss stinking, mingebag UK pensioner scum?”

“Mr Ramsay is in the Carribean right now sucking Ainsley Harriots cock in A 7 Star Hotel suite at your expense.”

I always thought that the maximum rating achievable for any Hotel was 5 Star?

This confirms that Mr Paco has obviously not received any formal training for his position as Restaurant manager!

We have been absolutely speechless since our return and it has taken a week to write this email.

Please, we feel violated and very upset at this so called “Gordon Ramsay” experience and would like to know your
thoughts before we proceed with legal action.

I eagerly await your response.

Yours Faithfully

Richard Lainge

Keep the vids coming They’re spot on
brilliant upload